What should give... What should give...

This weeks challenge is to give up something that is unhealthy. Initially I thought of all of the fat-loaded, calorie ridden foods out there. Oh how I love doughnuts, fries and candy! Instead this challenge inspired both lent and life in general.

I'm a fretter you see. I stress, over think, grate my teeth and scream in my head so much that I make myself nauseous on a semi regular basis. Jenn has told me on more than one occasion to, "Quit! You're not allowed to do that here," meaning to drive myself crazy with the racing thoughts that keep me up late into the night. I am usually the poke'ee you see.

I tend to let every little comment get under my skin. The verbal equivalent of a bot fly then festers and grows and patiently waits until I'm horizontal desperately trying to rest and recover. At this time one single little cut erupts into a room sized moth that beats me about the head and face until about an hour before my alarm goes off. It could be any random expression that I take a little more personal than intended, or something I forgot or am trying not to forget. This moth haunts me until I am so frustrated that I hate. I hate that i still am thinking about it. I hate that I can't sleep because I'm thinking that I'm thinking I can't sleep. I understand that the last sentence is awkward; a true insomniac could read it like a child's book.

So I'm giving up hate. Not just hate, I'm giving up the stress and the victim dance. To be the poker instead of the pokee. For 40 days, the drama is not mine. I will say what's on my mind and not hide behind a smile, regretting that I didn't stick up for myself. When something gets under my skin I won't get mad, I will take a deep breath, wait the 90 seconds it takes to let the adrenalin slow down and say to myself, "I never did really mind the little things," and go on with my life. I hope that this will lead to less stress eating and less binge wine drinking. It's worth a try at least.

Competitor!

I got a restart. Most of it I attribute to prayer, “Dear God, please don’t let these 21 year old girls beat me.” I CAN’T lose to skinny girls in their early 20’s. While running with PFC Christopherson, I'm thinking, 'I sped up, how is it that I can still hear her behind me?' but what I say is, "You better get up here!" They push me, I push them and recent push has landed me right back at the 19:10 2 mile run. I thought it would take a few more months to take a minute off my run. Woot Woot! My goal is back down to 17:30 by April.

When I started running with Justine in November, I just knew that with my gluttony and general laziness, I’d lost over a minute on my run. I was sad and used it as an excuse on our 3.1 mile run. As we ran we got slower and slower, then we stopped running all together.

The girls continued to fail their Run. Sad. So, through their misery, Lt Seckel pushed them into agreeing to run/work out 3 days a week with him. When he got busy, or was running late, I’d fill in for him. Tho I dislike waking up that early, I do enjoy our running time. It’s my time to one-on-one with soldiers; they push me relentlessly, I push them, and learn a little about what’s going on in their lives.

Mostly, I feel competitive again. Not overly competitive. Let’s not get crazy, I have no aspirations to wrestle SGT McNitt again, but I feel good and want to do more. If only the more I wanted to do would be cleaning around my house. Sigh…

167 today; It’s better than 168 :) and much better than 186! This week SGT Mace, Lt Seckel and I started a competition: First to lose 24 pounds. Winner gets to pick the punishment. I’m thinking… Pedicures at a an actual shop, and I get to pick the mail color. :) I’ll update you on our progress. Sorry it's so disorganized; it's past my bedtime so I was pressed. Better one next time. Promises

But I know I have a great smile...

I have the worlds best friends. I seriously count myself incredibly lucky to have such warm, loving and concerned people in my life. I’ve been stumped lately as far as blogging. I’ve had an idea rolling around in my head, I just am not sure how to get it out. I started out strong, then I got a message from Mason Tidwell. I haven’t heard from him since deployment, but he sent me the following message:

“I'm kinda worried about you. You should let yourself be happy. Maybe i don't have the whole story but you seem a little to hung up on weight. Focus more on being healthy and let your body do the rest. P.S. Obsessing over food or avoiding food is not healthy.

All my best,

Mason”

I love Tidwell! I never thought of my battle with weight as being unhealthy or obsessive until now. I know that when I’m thinner I feel more competitive in life; I actually feel more self conscious the closer I get to my goal weight. At 180-200 lbs, I can dance, wear tight clothing, and not really care how I look to other people. The psychiatrists of the world might take that statement and say, “You don’t think you are worthy to be admired, so you give up and block societal judgements.” That’s right, I took psychology. Maybe that is true.

There is only one way to put this out there so… At 169, I’m running better and easier. My face looks younger in the mirror and I feel better. I’m more aware of my butt jiggling in my running pants, and see the roll of fat above my knees as a constant reminder that genetically there is nothing I can do about stumpy legs. When people comment on how much weight I’ve lost, 17 pounds so far, I say thank you and feel the need to explain that I’m only “half-way there.” Or perhaps I just finally care again.

Tidwell’s message really made me look at my eating and diet differently. The fact remains that like an alcoholic or a drug abuser, I have an unhealthy addiction to food. I get a certain “high” with eating on these binge days. I’ve hallucinated before on the chocolate carmel fondue at the melting pot. I’ve hidden snacks and deserts, I’ve cried because I can’t have anymore, and I’ve eaten a full meal before a dinner date so my friends think I’m eating healthy. I have sat down and eaten $40 worth of junk food in one sitting and I’ve ordered a large pizza and breadsticks and downed it all on a lonely Friday night or twelve. I eat because I’m happy, sad, mad, embarrassed, in pain, without pain, heartbroken or enter ANY other emotion here. I over-eat and will clean my plate no matter how much is on it. Until I find an outlet for that kind of eating, I’m destined to play this weight roller coaster for eternity.

I started round number two of the Hcg Diet today. I still have the goal of 150 pounds. I’m running with my soldiers three times a week and taking vitamins so that I’m getting the vitamins and minerals that my body needs. I have until I’m 150, to find a way to maintain a healthy weight and balance. I think I’m going to try out protein shakes, and yogurt… hmmm any suggestions? I’ve taken nutrition, I know that you don’t need to eat more than the size of your palm, moderation and blah blah. How do you compete with addiction? That is the true question.