I have the worlds best friends. I seriously count myself incredibly lucky to have such warm, loving and concerned people in my life. I’ve been stumped lately as far as blogging. I’ve had an idea rolling around in my head, I just am not sure how to get it out. I started out strong, then I got a message from Mason Tidwell. I haven’t heard from him since deployment, but he sent me the following message:
“I'm kinda worried about you. You should let yourself be happy. Maybe i don't have the whole story but you seem a little to hung up on weight. Focus more on being healthy and let your body do the rest. P.S. Obsessing over food or avoiding food is not healthy.
All my best,
Mason”
I love Tidwell! I never thought of my battle with weight as being unhealthy or obsessive until now. I know that when I’m thinner I feel more competitive in life; I actually feel more self conscious the closer I get to my goal weight. At 180-200 lbs, I can dance, wear tight clothing, and not really care how I look to other people. The psychiatrists of the world might take that statement and say, “You don’t think you are worthy to be admired, so you give up and block societal judgements.” That’s right, I took psychology. Maybe that is true.
There is only one way to put this out there so… At 169, I’m running better and easier. My face looks younger in the mirror and I feel better. I’m more aware of my butt jiggling in my running pants, and see the roll of fat above my knees as a constant reminder that genetically there is nothing I can do about stumpy legs. When people comment on how much weight I’ve lost, 17 pounds so far, I say thank you and feel the need to explain that I’m only “half-way there.” Or perhaps I just finally care again.
Tidwell’s message really made me look at my eating and diet differently. The fact remains that like an alcoholic or a drug abuser, I have an unhealthy addiction to food. I get a certain “high” with eating on these binge days. I’ve hallucinated before on the chocolate carmel fondue at the melting pot. I’ve hidden snacks and deserts, I’ve cried because I can’t have anymore, and I’ve eaten a full meal before a dinner date so my friends think I’m eating healthy. I have sat down and eaten $40 worth of junk food in one sitting and I’ve ordered a large pizza and breadsticks and downed it all on a lonely Friday night or twelve. I eat because I’m happy, sad, mad, embarrassed, in pain, without pain, heartbroken or enter ANY other emotion here. I over-eat and will clean my plate no matter how much is on it. Until I find an outlet for that kind of eating, I’m destined to play this weight roller coaster for eternity.
I started round number two of the Hcg Diet today. I still have the goal of 150 pounds. I’m running with my soldiers three times a week and taking vitamins so that I’m getting the vitamins and minerals that my body needs. I have until I’m 150, to find a way to maintain a healthy weight and balance. I think I’m going to try out protein shakes, and yogurt… hmmm any suggestions? I’ve taken nutrition, I know that you don’t need to eat more than the size of your palm, moderation and blah blah. How do you compete with addiction? That is the true question.
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